im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
