I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
They are going to name an STD after you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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