I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
