R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
