weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
