So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
