is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
