I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
