I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This is my gift to your gina
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
