I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
