just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
