Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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