you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
