i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
