True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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