I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
