Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
