Capitaan dildo arrescate!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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