There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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