I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize