Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
