btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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