oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
