I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
