Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize