His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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