I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Drake has all the answers
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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