My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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