i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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