God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
