well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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