I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
