I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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