So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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