I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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