I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The Olympian is in my bed
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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