The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
