My sheets look like a crime scene.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Come on in and take your pants off
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