i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize