My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
