Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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