no, he came in my armpit
My Higher Power is John Stamos
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
