I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
