my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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