your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
