i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
