White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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