Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
