So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
