i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
