I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
