If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
