Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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