How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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