my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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