you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
