I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
