I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I forget how to act sober
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
