someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
