you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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