I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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