My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
