Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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