I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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