My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
