I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
